Here’s yet another deleted LiveJournal entry. Note that this one deals with topics of suicide. If this is something you are not comfortable with please do not proceed.
Date originally posted: May 23rd 2017 (10:30 a.m.)
I’m currently sitting here watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. I’ve been working on finishing this series for the last four days now. I’ll be done today if everything goes according to plan. I read the French edition of the book “Treize Raisons” around 2013 or 2014 and enjoyed it quite a bit but I must also admit that I’ve forgotten much of the smaller details of the story since then. Back then I too was a depressed and destitute teenager, in 2014 I was homeless at 18, so it comforted me considerably in my time of need. I understand that there’s some controversy surrounding it, fears of it triggering suicidal people or glorifying teenage suicide, but for me it validated my emotions. I felt like I wasn’t alone for one of the first times in my life, despite that this comfort came in the form of a story that is entirely fictional.
Unfortunately suicide isn’t just fiction to me. In 2012 there was a girl, her name was Amanda and if she were still alive today we would be the same age. But she’s forever 15, and I’m about to turn 21. I have a tattoo on my arm in memory of her but most of the time it’s just another piece of artwork that blends into the paysage of all my other tattoos on that same arm. There’s a broken heart, an original piece by another person who also took his own life. He was 17. This year he’s been dead as long as he’s been alive. Next to that there’s a yellow semi-colon, which is of course a Semicolon Project tattoo. Many of us get those tattooed after experiencing traumatic events in our lives and I’m unfortunately no stranger to those. I generally don’t want to talk about it, in fact I never want to talk about it face to face with another person and if it wasn’t for the TV series I wouldn’t be writing this either.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say, maybe I’m just trying to make sense of emotions that have lingered inside for far too long and I don’t know what to do with them. Growing up I was never allowed to open up about my feelings and now as an adult I struggle a lot with dealing with emotions, regardless of whether they are new or in the past. It’s something I’m constantly working on and I hope that this page will help me in doing that or at least taking a step in the right direction. One day I hope to walk among the rest of them, just a regular civilian.