Posted in Books & Stories

Lost Thoughts — Volume One: When I See You Again

Dear Someone I Used To Know,

It’s been almost two years to the day since we last spoke. I know that you think of me, you cannot persuade me otherwise. There is no doubt in my heart and soul that at some point since that last July day that I have crossed your mind. Maybe I haunt you, or maybe you smile sweetly when you think of me, but I know that you do.

You and I have a long history. Maybe our time together was short lived but we made memories that even the devil himself cannot corrupt. We poured our hearts out to each other, held each other, loved each other. I will not lie, you also put bitterness in my heart when you left and never turned back to look at me again. Despite that you promised me even on that last day that you’d always be there for me I don’t really hold it against you. It is not in me to harbor negative feelings towards someone, although I do believe that you cannot hate something or someone that you’ve never really loved. I loved you. I told you that on numerous occasions, and you dared to say it back to me, and I believed everything that came out of your mouth.

I was definitely enchanted to meet you; you put nothing but feelings of goodness inside my soul. When I cross your mind, what kind of residual emotions do I leave you with? Do you miss me? Do you have regrets? Do you look at my photos the same way I look at yours? Do you smile when you think of me? Or is it too hard and you’d rather not do it? For a long time I prayed that you’d come back to me but nowadays I’m happy that you’re gone and I don’t feel sorry that things ended because other things such as pain, anguish and regret never really do.

From time to time I do frown when you cross my mind, I’m not going to lie. It was very hard on me the way you left things, and it’s altogether possible that that part will always sting. The easy part was indeed saying goodbye, but the easy part is over now, and I’m still here contemplating things I cannot change. I remember us sitting at my kitchen table and you talking about everything under the moon from the richest man in all of Turkey to God’s grace to the pepperonis on the pizza you bought for me. I could tell you everything that was on my mind and you’d talk back to me with wise words and encouragement no matter what else was going on through your mind. So don’t pretend that I’m not still crawling around in there somewhere.

Most certainly you’ve seen me at least once when you close your eyes at night. When some of our old friends ask me about you I reply with a simple I don’t know but in fact I do know. Maybe I’m a coward and maybe I’m simply the one who doesn’t want to admit it to myself that you moved on, that you look like you’re happy on all of your pictures on Facebook and that you have a beautiful family life while I’m still sitting here all by myself like the very first day that we met. I’ve never met another one like you, did you meet another one like me? If we saw each other again today you would tell me that I’m not the same person you used to know and I’d tell you that you’re correct, and I’d also tell you that to me you’re nothing more than a stranger. Just a stranger. Just like before we ever crossed paths.

I don’t know why sometimes I smile when I think of your smile and other times I am tormented by simply the thought that you’re somewhere out there probably disregarding me just like that time when we said our last words to each other. I wish you well, I really do. I do not wish ill on anyone, not even you. We both tried our best but it seemed like destiny had other plans for the both of us. If it brings you any comfort, if you ever actually come to read this which I’m pretty sure you won’t, I’m doing fine. Destiny didn’t quite rip me off after you left me in the middle of winter; the coldest winter on record in fact, and that was before you even rode off in that truck in the middle of the night.

I used to count the days since you’ve been gone, I got up to about 163 before I finally gave up, gave myself a good slap in the face so I could finally wake up and move on with my life too. I see that you did that quite nicely. I also heard, however, that you asked some of my friends how I was doing but they couldn’t answer you because they hadn’t seen me in months. They didn’t tell me how you were doing either because you probably left that part out also. Do you feel guilt for what you did? Maybe it wasn’t a choice that fell entirely on your shoulders, but you’re still the one who chose to do it. I knew that one day it would come to that but I didn’t expect the aftermath to be like this. What would you say if you saw me again? That I turned out decently? Or that you should’ve stayed because deep down you knew that I’d be lost without you?

Sometimes I wonder the same about you, but on most days you’re nothing more than a distant memory in all that is currently waiting for me. Even the memory of what you once looked like has begun to fade away with everything else; the way you smelled, how your diamond eyes shined in the sunlight, how tight you’d hold me against you. Until the next time you cross my mind again I will end this letter by telling you that I’m much happier now that you’re far away from me. This way I know that you can’t hurt me anymore. And maybe one day we’ll both have the answers to all of our questions because I know that one day I will see you again.

Sincerely,
Someone That You Used To Know

Author:

Liberal Muslim, social justice and human rights activist, cat lover, author and fellow human.

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